main..>

FANATICS!

L7 SUPERFRIENDS! EPISODE II!

Tonite's Episode: The Lillith Fair Legion Of Doom Strikes!!

It appears to be an otherwise normal mid-afternoon in Gotham City's downtown business district. But as a rather beat-up looking white cargo van pulls up alongside the entrance to the Bank Of Gotham, something really, really, REALLY rotten is about to hit the fan! For inside the van, members of The Lillith Fair Legion Of Doom are about to strike!!! Led by their ruthless kingpin, Sarah 'Lex Luthor' McLachlan, their never-ending goal is to blacklist & eliminate all female recording artists that do not fit their 'Singer-Songwriter Sheep-Voiced Folk Meister' image!

Along with her are three other members of the Legion, each of them with very special powers. First there is Jewell who is able to put people to sleep with her bad poetry, followed by Lisa 'Ear' Loeb who is equipped with her tortoise shell ,coke-bottle X-ray glasses which can penetrate SOLID STEEL! ( like wow! ) Finally, there is the most feared member of the Legion, Natalie Merchant-'Marine' whose hippie spin-dancing / twirling has been known to generate GALE-FORCE wind currents!

-Sarah Mclachlan (laying out bank floorplans )- "OK, sisters, this is the plan! We hit the bank in '5', Jewell, you take out the Security guards with your boring, I mean, inspiring muse. Lisa & Natalie, you'll set and blow the vault with the C-4 explosive."

Rest of Legion- (nodding in agreement ) -"Right, Boss!"

Sarah Mclachlan -" Just think, by the end of today, with this heist and the other heist at Metropolis's First National by the other half of our Legion, we will have enough cash to sponsor Lillith Fairs all across the U.S. for years to come!-HA,HA,HA! ( laughing in a very maniacal, mad-scientist way ) Let's Go!!"

The Legion exits the van and enters the huge lobby of the Bank Of Gotham. Proceeding to the front of the teller windows, Sarah nods her head to Jewell who then pulls out some sheets of poetry and begins to recite:

Jewell- " Who will save your soul, who will save the flowers, birds, trees, and puppy dogs! Who will give my love a chicken that has no bones......"

Immediately, half of the people in the bank ( customers, employees, security ) pass out in a matter of seconds. The rest of the people try to cover their ears, only to scream out in pain and eventually collapse and pass out to the floor.

Jewell ( still reciting ) - " I want to express myself, I want to share my feelings with everyone even if they don't want hear it, I want to........"

Sarah Mclachlan ( interrupting )- " OK, Jewell, thats quite enough! I wanted you to knock em' out, not kill them! Natalie, prep the C-4! Lisa, keep an eye on the front entrance! I'll empty the bank tellers cash drawers, Lets Move It!"

Lisa Loeb ( stops moving and looks thru the front wall with her glasses ) -"Oh-oh, Boss, we've got company! L7's car just pulled up in front outside!"

Sarah Mclachlan -" Shit! That can't be , no one else knows about this bank job but the Legion!"

Lisa Loeb - " Hey Boss,wait a second! I only see three women getting out of the car. I thought L7 was a foursome........"

" You're absolutely correct, ladies! L7 is a foursome and they're about to kick your asses into next week!"

The Legion turns around at hearing this voice from behind them, only to see a bank teller rising slowly from the floor. But this is no ordinary bank-teller, for upon removing her brunette wig and thick-frame glasses along with her special L7 earplugs, this process reveals a smiling Donita Sparks, her wild bleached locks of hair falling about! At the same time, Suzi, Dee, and Janis walk thru the lobby into the main room in front of the Legion. ( of course, to the opening chords of the 'Beauty Process' ) with Suzi carrying a guitar case, while Janis is holding a 12 x 12 mini-amp.

Sarah Mclachlan-" Curses, L7!! How did you ever find out about this heist!"

Dee- " Jeez, Sara, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you were losing money on the past Lillith tours, and with Summer around the corner, you were gonna need some major dough in a hurry. This bank would've been the perfect place for you guys to knock over!"

Sarah Mclachlan ( cursing loudly ) - "@*#&$+<%?, L7!!"

Suzi (smiling )-" Hey, you think that sucks, Sarah, we just heard that the other bank job at Metropolis's First National was stopped by the Lunachicks. Hate to say this, but you re 'S.O.L.' baby!"

Sarah Mclachlan ( cursing even louder )- " @&$$*?##@&&^%+?$#@!!!"

Donita (sarcastically )- " Hey now, Sarah, that's not very introspective and sensitive of you to say that to us."

Dee (chiming in )- " Yeah, imagine if her loyal fans heard her cursing like a sailor, tsk,tsk,tsk....what a pisser that would be!"

Sarah Mclachlan ( turning red with fury )-" Destroy them , Sisters!!"

Squaring off against Janis, Lisa Loeb tries to throw a punch at her, however, her awkward swing misses Janis by a mile and she winds up on the floor from the overswing. Janis pulls her up by the collar of her shirt and rears back to let one fly.

Lisa Loeb ( innocently )- " Wait.....You wouldn't hit a girl with glasses on , would you ?"

Janis ( pauses and sighs ) - "Normally, I wouldn't........AH, what the hell, in this case, I'll make an exception!"

WHAM!!....With that shot , Janis sends Lisa flying back several feet, the remnants of her X-ray glasses scattered all over the marble floor of the bank

Sarah Mclachlan - "Jewell! Stop them with your poetry!!"

Jewell ( pulling crumpled sheets of poetry from her back pocket ) - "But I've read all my good ones already....Let me see, I know I have one here somewhere."

Sarah Mclachlan - "OK,OK! Screw the poetry! Just put up your fists and fight them NOW!!"

Jewell ( still browsing ) - "Hmmm....no, not that one....Wait!, Here's one.....'Ode To A....' "

BOOOOM! Suzi's roundhouse nails Jewell squarely in the kisser, and.......SPLAT.....she collapses like a sack of bricks to the floor!

Suzi (standing over Jewell )- "Wow, she sure set herself up for that one!" ( pauses to reach down and check Jewell's pulse ) " 'Holy Bad Poetry', for a second there I thought she was a goner."

But wait!! The Lillith Fair Legion of Doom is not out of it yet! Already Natalie Merchant has started up her dreaded spin/twirl dance. Papers and pencils are starting to fly thru the air, soon larger objects, including L7, will be flying around if she is not stopped in time!

Donita ( hair blown black )-" Dee! Get me my axe and amp, Quickly!"

Dee brings up Donita's prized Gibson 'Flying V' and the mini-amp while crouching low so as not to get blown off balance from the increasing wind turbulence. Meanwhile, Suzi and Janis have taken shelter behind the teller's counter.

Dee- "Here ya go! It's cranked up as loud as it can get!"

Donita ( leaning against a stone column )- "Let's just hope this idea works!"

With that, Donita riffs several major power chords on her 'Flying V' towards spinning Natalie. At first, nothing appears to happen, so Donita unleashes several more riffs following it with some ear-splitting feedback. This time, Natalie's spin starts to wobble, and soon, she's spinning out of control and heading right towards her boss!

Sarah Mclachlan ( eyes popping out ) -" No, Natalie, NO! Veer away,VEER AWAY!!....AGGHHHHH!!!"

SMASH,BANG,BOOM! Both Natalie and Sarah are knocked out flat from the impact, the impact even forcing Sarah's toupee to dislodge from her head, revealing a pool cue of a head! The Lillith Fair Legion of Doom have been defeated!!!

Suzi ( surveying the scene ) - "Hey nice job, Donita, not bad considering you never took Physics 101at college!"

Donita- " Ah, sometimes ya gotta work off of a hunch, ya know?" ( she then notices Sarah's bald head and starts cracking up hysterically ) "Heh-heh, so thats how she got that 'Lex Luthor' tag, jeez, I can see my reflection off of her head, heh-heh-heh!" ( Soon all of L7 decide to share in the laughter, HEH-HEH-How Corny ! :^P )

Epilogue:

As Gotham Police haul away the Legion, L7 and the Police Commisioner approach the handcuffed Sarah Mclachlan, who seems to be in a very pissy mood.

Sarah Mclachlan -"You girls do realize that no prison can hold my legion of followers! We'll be out in no time and having another Lillith Fair this summer!

Suzi-" Ex-o-lent! Then we'll have the time to fly another one of our banners over your sheep-voiced folk-meister festival!

Sarah Mclachlan - " How dare you corrupt our special 'woman-only' enviroment?!"

Donita -" Jeez, grow up 'Mr. Clean', oops, I mean, Sarah! 'Bout time you stop talking down to women and treating us like we're some one-dimensional, politically-correct, overly-sensitive prisses. We're human beings like anyone else, and if we wanna belch, fart, complain, or rock out loud and have a kickass time, well damnit, we'll do so!"

Janis- " Hey, Sarah, before ya go, you might need this " ( plops Sarah's toupee on her head in a really crooked angle )

Dee (smiling )- "Ya look like someone stuck a stuffed woodchuck on your head, Sarah. Wow, the biker grrrls at the Statesville Prison are just gonna LUV having you as a fellow inmate!"

Sarah Mclachlan ( screaming in horror while being hauled away by the Gotham Police )-"@&$*$%%@&#/?, L7!!!!!"

Donita -" Why thank you, Sarah, that's really nice of you! We'll promise to write to ya real soon, heh-heh! ( turns to the Police Commisioner ) " I can't wait to hear what kind of songs she's gonna record after she gets out of the 'Big House' "

Police Commisioner: " Ahem, well L7 Superfriends, again you have done Gotham City a great service. Is there any way to re-pay you for your services?

Donita-" Well, now that you mentioned it, Chief, I do have this speeding ticket....

Suzi-" And I also have these couple of speeding tickets as well, el-Capitan!....

Dee-" Wait, don't you forget my ticket for excessive noise......

Janis-"Hey, what are you gonna do about my overdue parking tickets?..............

Police Commisioner gulps and fidgets rather nervously as tickets are being pushed into his face.
 
 

Next Week's Episode: L7 Superfriends vs. the Return of 80's Big Hair Metal.

FANATICS